A Venusian Capricorn

An Autumnal Beginning

2009-09-02T01:19:08Z

It's the beginning.... now where to start?
The weather here has been very Fall-inspiring: Cool, slight breeze, but warm enough to not really freeze with that crisp smell in the air. I think I'm actually excited about Fall this year. It's been rather inspiring to me.
I want to go out and by candles. Warm Vanilla Sugar, Sugar Cookie, Pumpkin Spice, Pie, and any other candle scent that makes a cold day warm. I know I could use a new scarfy too. I started crocheting one for my brother way back last year.... whatever happened to THAT? I forgot about it, and since I moved, I have NO idea where my crocheting supplies are. May be time for a new supply.

Mr. Dead! is currently out, but he hopped on the IM at a friend's and told me he wouldn't be out too much longer. He was interested in watching a movie with me when he gets back; hopefully that plan sticks. I'm really in the mood to enjoy a movie with him, without him being a dick and without me seeming "weird". We really have to work on that.....

And since I prefer posting/writing to/in a journal in solitude, I'm leaving this post at that before he gets back. I'll just sit here and enjoy my hot cup of chamomile tea and honey.

Writer's Block: It Is What It Is

2009-09-01T03:02:17Z

What oft-repeated quote or common cliché do you find the most annoying when someone says it to you?

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"It's life... you just have to deal with it."

Numb at the End of the Month

2009-08-31T21:30:23Z

I slept until noon-thirty today.
I drove to Pittsburgh last night to take my brother back to school. Everything went fine, until I was taking my friend back home to Oil City when I started to run out of gas. I shouldn't have been anywhere near running out of gas. Danger Car gets over 400 miles on a full tank, which it had when I started, and somehow, I was losing out at 274. I pulled into the nearest gas station at 11.59pm, got out and opened my tank. The only reason I did this was because the lights were on, and so were the pumps. The attendant came out and yelled "We close at 12. We're closed." She then shut the door as she went back inside, and THEN shut off the lights and the pumps.
Thanks bitch. I appreciate your help.
I almost stalled out 3 or 4 times in the next 10 minutes it took to get to Oil City. Thankfully, Country Fair was still open, and NOT shutting off pumps after I pulled in.
Danger's in the shop right now getting a look over to find out how I lost so much gas. Poor thing needs an overhaul.

I'm concerned about Mr. Dead!. He says he's been noticing that we've been pretty pissy with each other lately; I've noticed it too. The only part of my problem that comes from him is the shit he gives me when he thinks I'm acting weird or annoyed with something. He glares at me like I'm stupid, or annoying, and that's the part that bugs me. I don't like being given dirty looks, and he shoots them at me, and THAT'S when I become annoyed with him and we start to not get along. I told him my behavior was caused by his own doing, but he didn't take to that very well. Then we dropped it; he asked what I was doing today and then left. That was around 2 or so. It's twenty after 5 and he's still out. Hopefully time away will do some good.

I've been thinking more about what it could be like if I had my own place. I'm really warming up to the idea, but maybe it's the weather. I've noticed with the temperature change, I've been a lot more calm and forward about things as opposed to being hostile and quiet. As I said, I've been feeling more like myself (noted in a previous post). I can picture myself hanging out, keeping to myself, in a nice, clean, quiet apartment with a decent couch, lappy, and my celly turned back on. I don't know if I'd be able to find a decent place around here with my pay. I do miss having my own room and bed though. Heh, just something to think about.

Now then, as far as Micaiah goes: That's done. I don't even have the desire to hang out with him. Maybe in another life, at another time, in a different place, but certainly not here, not now.

End.

What to call it...

2009-08-28T15:17:27Z

I got up this morning after finally having a peaceful night of sleep. Recently I haven't been able to stay asleep for long. I was going to bed around 10, and waking up at 3 in the morning. I went to bed later last night, and even though I woke up just about every time I rolled over, I wasn't permanently awake, and didn't actually get up until 9 something, thankfully.
I needed Cranberry juice, thanks to this minor UTI, so I got up to go put gas in my car and head off to the store; Mr. Dead! was already up. He saw me digging through my shit and asked where I was going, so I invited him along. It really was nothing exciting. We didn't even really say much to each other. We listened to Static X, commented here and there on it, and that was about that. So much for a story, right?
Well, it's raining; today is very grey, and I'm having the hardest time getting comfortable on this damn couch.

My thoughts last night weren't so plagued by the fond one. This physical attraction nonsense is bullshit. I talked with him for a bit when I got off work. He was on his 10, so I helped myself to be a part of that. I asked what he was doing afterward, but he had other plans, so (un)fortunately, we didn't chill.
This is absurd.
I'm debating whether I should tell one of my closest friends about it. She's a nice girl, and she definitely wouldn't "tell", but I don't know of the feedback I'd get. Plus, it's a very close-ended situation anyway, so what is there to really say? "Uh, there's a kid at work, and he likes me, and I kinda like him too, but as of now, it's not going any further than that." End of story, right?....

I don't know the next time I'll work with him. I'm counting on it being few and far between. I mean, my hours seem to be relatively the same, as do his, but I'm going to be in different cubes, just as he is, and we could be on totally opposite sides of the building. I imagine this to be a show of how well communication remains, if at all. I'm laying it down and just going with it. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore, and I certainly don't feel like making a huge effort when my effort is already accounted for with Mr. Dead!.

This is becoming more of an effort.

2009-08-28T04:35:09Z

This nonsense is full of my opinions, thoughts, feelings, and those matter most only to me, so why I go about posting these things publicly is beyond me. Feedback is nice every here and there, but this is more for the release; for me to let it fall through my hands and reflect back on my face as I read what I type. I have a paper journal, but Hindu knows I wouldn’t put this in there, and if I did, it would be foolish. There’s no lock and key, no combination, or anything of that sort to keep anyone out, and I would rather not chance it.

So I’ve gotten to this point and, much like usual, I don’t really care to go on, but I will because if I don’t get it out, it’s going to come out at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people, or maybe if that’s the case, I’ve already damned myself.

I like my job at Blair. I sit when I want, stand when I want, eat/drink/write/draw/read when I want, because fortunately for me, I get to sit at a cubicle and take phone orders all day. I get paid to do a little bit of that, and a majority of what I want. With that comes conversation with those around me, and one of those around me seems to be rather fond of me, so much to the point that he kindly took an extra (punishable) break to walk me to my car when I got off my shift. He’s a sweetheart.

Except for today, because he was scheduled in a cube on the other side of the building, we’ve been seated relatively close to one another, and conversation has been good. Very good. We joke a lot, pass notes and paper planes, and we have a little in common. He has a beautiful smile; if the sun collapsed inward on itself, I’m telling you, this would be the next best thing, and I’m madly in love with the sun. He has a name that fits the gods, and a body to match it. I knew I thought he was attractive, but this takes the cake. I’ve thought about him every day for quite a while over the past 2 or 3 days.

To top it off, he admits to liking me. He thinks I look ‘pretty fantastic’, and that I’m cool to talk with. Then, there’s that saying: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Micaiah, this isn’t good for business…

Homeless, but beautiful.

2009-03-09T22:34:33Z

You see, I was with this guy for almost 2 years, and off and on throughout those 2 years, it hit me that he and I just didn't see eye to eye on important things, like life and relationships. And after all, aren't those things you should see similarly when in a serious relationship? So anyway, to make a long story a little longer than short, we broke up. It wasn't that I couldn't do it anymore, or that I needed to be out of the relationship; I just didn't want to do it anymore. A person can only take so much before he/she gets entirely fed up and tired of working on things and changing. I accept that some people would see this as giving up, and maybe I was, but I wasn't happy, and my dissatisfaction would only start to make him unhappy as well. It's instances like this that make me think that some things just are not supposed to be. It's nothing that I haven't accepted.

Anyway, there's speculation that I broke up with him for someone else; for Mr. Dead!. I can't even answer that matter-of-factly. I mean, if you look at the timing of the situation, it makes sense to assume that's why I broke up with him; so that I could be with someone else, and given the past I have with that someone else, even I look at it curiously. There's a difference, though, between coincidence and reasoning. The coincidence is that shortly after I broke up with this guy, I got involved with Mr. Dead!. The reasoning is the important part of the equation that few know about, because they would rather make their speculations, and then stick with them. Like I said, we broke up because it just wasn't working. Now, you can form your own opinions and questions and you, too, can speculate that those reasons had to do with Mr. Dead!, but allow me to say that if Mr. Dead! had something to do with it, he only had something to do with it, and not everything.

Now, the former and I have a very hard time getting along, and that brings forth a lot of arguing. To keep this as short as possible, I'll just say that there were a lot of contradictions and falling back on words. Those two things were the basis of the majority of the arguments. This last argument got me kicked out, and this is the point of my anecdote. I have no job, no money, no car, and no house. No job? No, because the only place around here that's hiring is JCPenney, and they're my only hope right now, so hopefully, they do hire me, soon. No car? Wrong. I have a car, but it's entirely non-functional. The engine died in it last August, and I haven't had the money to fix it. On the upside, it was because of this that I discovered that I am the ONLY person of my friends that drives, well, until I met Nao. Anyway, so it's really hard to get a ride to places. My friends don't drive/don't have a car, and my mom lives about an hour and a half away. No house? Uh-uh... just got kicked out, and most of my friends all live with their parents, and they don't have extra room/money for me to stay. So now the question is: What am I doing? Well, I'll tell you EXACTLY what I'm doing. I'M WINGING IT and almost freaking-the-fuck-out.

I'm currently staying with Mr. Dead! because that's about the only place I have to go, and I feel TERRIBLE doing it because he can't really afford for me to stay with him. He just got his own apartment, and money is super tight when you first get a place going. He has a job, and that's his only saving-grace, because he doesn't have a car, and only has his driver's permit. Thankfully, a dude he works with provides ride to the job. Jim's a nice guy.

I feel really bad relying so much on other people, and I still haven't accepted that sometimes, you just have to. I want so badly to be able to pay for myself, my own food, needs, etc., but I can't. Not at the moment, and not until I have a reliable source of income.
I'm not completely torn down yet, though. After all, I still have my brains, my guts, my heart, and my health, and it's because I have only those things that this situation is so beautiful.

Writer's Block: Comped

2009-03-07T19:47:27Z

What's the best compliment you've ever received?

Submitted By krizzzie

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Haha, this happened just today actually. From the mouth of Mr. Dead!, "You're teeth are as beautiful as large fields of flowers."
Now, we were in the joking-manner, but nonetheless, it's still the best compliment I've EVER heard, because it's funny as hell.
My teeth aren't even straight, yo.

Writer's Block: Miss Manners

2009-03-06T22:00:18Z

What recently developed technology—cell phones, wi-fi, laptops, handheld gaming devices, etc.—do you think has had the worst influence on how people behave in public?

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I don't really feel that any of these things have had an extremely bad influence on the manner in which people behave in public. I figure that if someone has poor manners while using any of these devices, he/she probably has poor manners in any other application. I would say, however, that being on a cell phone in public can provoke "rudeness". For instance, you're at a store and the cashier is talking at you, meanwhile you have Jabby Jenny blabbing away in your ear... One of those two is bound to be interrupted by you cutting them off, asking them to excuse you for just a moment while you wrap up the other conversation. Sure, this can be done as politely as possible, but let's face it: You're still interrupting.

Tesseract.

2009-03-06T18:58:10Z

Boxes: The concept that most of us have heard about and have thought nothing of.

What does the phrase "step outside of the box" mean, anyway? We can assume it's usually applied when someone needs to think "abstractly" to figure something out. That's the way I've seen it presented most, but what if we "step outside of the box" on that phrase, and delve just a little bit further?

I was having a conversation with Mr. Dead! in which I presented the argument that perhaps there's one giant box, and everyone (just about) is in it; here they are safe, comfortable, and protected from the "risks" and "dangers" of the world around them. In context, this was used to demonstrate how people "get used to" their surroundings, good or bad, and then get comfortable in that position, and forget that they wanted better for themselves in the first place. Keeping in mind that everyone has free agency (freedom of choice), it's alright to say that that's exactly why some people stay in the "comfort zone"; they want to because that's what they choose; however, that doesn't work for everyone. Take me, for instance. Yes, I like to be "comfortable" and feel "safe", but I'm also willing to take "risks" to achieve something better for myself (so long as the repercussions of the risks don't outweigh the benefits). With that being said, I view myself as one of the few "sane maniacs" running around outside of that big box of comforts, safeties, and slaves (to comfort and safety).

Mr. Dead! had a different take. He proposed (and I like his view on it) that we each have our own box of whatever (comfort, safety, norms, etc.). He stated that he felt that instead of there being just one giant box housing people and their "comforts" to be stepped out of, there are many boxes (as many as there are people) and each of us should step out and see what's outside of our box, and then step into someone else's box for an accurate depiction of just what "safety" and "comfort" is for that person (a brilliant idea).

Instead of generalizing everyone into the same area, with the same ideas and the same "comforts", "fears", "risks", give to each their own. Then, because we all pass judgment, at least a more accurate judgment can be passed.

Mr. Dead!: A beautiful thinker.